this feeling, unspoken as no words matches..

at times, it feels as if you have.. everything..
slowly, everything turns its back on u..

you're uncertain.. how sure u are assured..
at times u feel like you've got it all..
when you think of it, you feel you need a little bit more..

i hate this feeling..
for awhile i feel so close to you..
then you leave me like this 3 days would be over soon..
then you'll get to see me soon..

how much better can it get..
just to be by your side..
cause when its cold you leave it real cold..
when im dying.. i've died times before..

how many times can a heart come to life!
"argh, i dont feel like writing anymore.."
sigh..

pauL
29th Dec 2006
10.51pm

10:35 PM;
I made my mark

12:00 AM;
I made my mark

back at the things i've done, i see im still childish..
back at the lessons i've learnt, i've more to learn..
back at the things u've gone through, i feel that im toturing you..
back at everything, i feel like they've said it right..
i wanna do something to deserve you,
but i've never done it right.. not 100% right..
i feel that i do not deserve an angel like you..
but when i pray, God gave me an angel to guide me..
so much i'm sure she'll never leave me..
but the way she punishes, i feel i am all alone..
without that angel, to guide me anymore..
="(

1:53 PM;
I made my mark

"mOvinG away, mOving soon, mOving to seng kang, no choice, !@#@^%&$^*^(*^%&#$@$@#&^%$*(^&(*^&%$^%$#%#%#%$&%^*&$#"

Im tired of hearing it, over and over..
just thinking bout it make me "ah #!@$"
thinking bout it make me scared.. im afraid to move..
i've already get so used to my current home.. i really dun wanna move..
what can i do? its not my home..
its my home, but not bought by me..
the other alternative to stay at ang mo kio?..
im not even sure if there's where i wanna live..
rent a place?
Oh, please donate to me.. where am i gonna find money..

it has been bugging me since first mentioned..
I. DON'T. WANNA. FUCKIN'. MOVE. !!.
sigh..

that man, throwing away things?
he talks like he's the boss.. he might be..
but he's not my boss!
I've my own balls and i've my own boss.

yes, iis true dad left things at home and have no time to move them out..
Does'nt mean he can just say throw means throw away my dad's thing.. right..
FUCK THAT K. living with him already im uncomfortable.. Still go till seng kang.. KNN

all i can do, sigh away~ Fck..
nobody understands what im thinking.
and bout moving..
NOBODY and i just meant NOBODY.

10:20 PM;
I made my mark

"Grandma, can you tell me where mummy is.."
"why all the rest of my friends have mummy coming to pick them up from school everyday but not me?"

grandma replied: "sweetheart, mummy has been away since you were a few months old. she has work to attend to, overseas"
grandma: "she'll be back soon.."

at 5 years old-
"Grandma, when can i see mummy"
grandma replies: "i dont know girl."
"soon i guess"

when amy was in her secondary school, a friend asked..
"aiy amy, how do you want your 18th birthday to be celebrated?"
she replied..
"i wish that mummy would appear 1st minute of that day and i just wanna let her know how much i've missed her and tell her i love her."
her classmate said:
"dont be childish lar," "mummy so long never come back, 18th years old purposly come back kiss you ar"
"do you even know how your mummy looks like?"
"how bout your big present? what would you want"
amy: "i just hope to hear mummy saying "i love you" to me. how nice that would be"
classmate said: "stupid, i wish you got slapped hard so u wake up"

back at home amy asked grandma for her mothers photograph.

An hour to amy's 18th birthday..
amy decided to try waiting for mummy at the bus stop with the photograph she had asked for..
she really wished that mummy would appear at this big moment in time..
she waited and waited..
meanwhile, thinking,
"if mummy appears, what would i do?"
"kiss mummy? hug her first.. or should i mmm i dun know."

it was 12 midnight, amy recieved lots of smses from her classmate wishing her happy birthday.
she was disappointed that mummy dint turn up.
amy thn walked across the road to get back home.
halfway thru, the bus arrived at the bus stop, and amy's mummy was there..
she turned around and saw her mummy, for the first time.
she shouted: "mum!"
mummy (surprised):"amy?"
"you've grown up my girl!"
amy dashed across the road hoping to hug mummy the very moment.
but
she never made it.
a speeding car sent her flying 5 lamp posts away.

"amy!" mummy shouted as she dashed to amy.
she was still concious but she could'nt move.

"mummy,"
"all this years, i've been waiting for you."
"how i wished you were there for me."
so i din't have to hide inside my room crying my thoughts out alone."
"i wanna share everything with you mummy
and i wanna tell you everything."
"im weak but i'll never show anyone else, except you."
i love you. ="/

mummy teared this moment and said,
"honey, i ......"
"amy?" "amy! wake up amy ="(
i love you"

amy was already dead.

it was too late for mummy to say the words amy longed to hear.
she regreted she could never showed her how much amy mean to her..
as for amy's friend, she should'nt have said things like that..

rest well amy,
God loves you.

its just a story..
sigh, don't wait any longer to tell you loved ones how much you love them. they've been waiting for you to express your concerns and love for them.

1:27 PM;
I made my mark

Note
(The Links, Nahz, Once happen or used to, my thoughts)*


CANCER WOMAN

When she is in love, she will act both ways.
First, Shy and polite trembling to be near you.
Second, Attach to you like glue and trying to be with you all the times.
She will try to go home with you after work, or have every lunch with you.
It is O.K.
if you like her too, but if is is not the case, you will feel very uncomfortable.

She hates to be talked about or gossiped by someone else.
If she knows she will be very hurt.
In nature she is a shy type, except she has been influenced by some other Zodiac.
She is not a brave or daring type, so if you like her then you better be the one who start first. She will not accept her true feeling, so if you like here you better tell her first.

She is like a musical note always change in tunes, so one minute she can be funny and cheerful, and one minute she ca n be sad and depress. Other people may think of her as "Over-acting", or "Over-reacting".
When she is depress, she will go out and look for things to make it up.

She loves money, and thinks of having "Money" as "happy", not as "God".
She will not look down at you if you do not have a lot of money,
but she will help you make money, save money.
She is not an extravagant person and sometimes will tell you not to buy her expensive and not useful gift.

She is the type who enjoy a long and quiet walk. Cancer woman also influenced by the "moon", so under the moon light she will be fascinating woman.
She has a constant fear for many things.
She fear of not being smart enough, not pretty enough.
Even if she is not fat, she will not be satisfy.
Assuring her of her look would help, because she can change mood 4 times a day. (?! wow)

She is not stingy, but you will not surprise if you see she collecting old or broken junks.
She sees that everything are useful to her. She will find a way to re-use it again some day.
She is not a jealous type, but possessive.
The best part of her is that she will sacrifice everything for her love one with no limit.
Don't leave her in times of troubles, she will never forget it.
She is not a weak type, even she looks like one,
Example if you argue with her, she might cry her heart out. Once you left, she will wipe her tears and start clean up her apartment normally. She is a very careful mother and will look after her kids every steps of the way. If she is a mother of your children, you are at ease, but if she is your mother in law, you are in pain. Not to worry, this type of mother in law will not let her own daughter being an "Old mate".
She could be moody and argue with you in many little things like many women, but she always wait and want to take care of you.
If you argue with her and disappear a few day s,
she will be waiting for you,
but not for long O.K.
This kind of testing is risky, try not to do it.

The Cancer woman need 2 things to be happy which are "Work" and "Love". (really?)
She can be live in a dusty house, but she can not live in that same house with no Love.



LEO MAN

He likes to comb his hair backward,
open his forehead showing a dignify facial __expression. (that was like so long ago..)
His eyes is sparkle, but slightly showing laziness.
He walks firmly and slowly like a lion, confident and ego proud.
Outside, you may think he is kind and gentle person,
but inside he is a strong and secure person.

If he is frighten, he will re-act and respond right away.
His words always seem normal but mostly imply "order and demanding".
He will not talk fast, or can not talk fast, (i can rap dude!)
neither walk fast. (it certainly depends)

In a crowd or at work he will act normally,
but not for long you will see him standing out of the crowd and be a center of attention with his words, or his action. (no, i've changed..)
You might think he is a shy guy, but deep down inside he wants to power over his family and his friends. (as in show that im not stupid.. just lazy)
He just waits for that right moment.
Do not take what is his, and do not order him, or else you will see a fierce lion. (except hunny)
He respects elderly and senior,
but will never bow down and accept like a looser
for he will rather die than loose his dignity.

He talks bluntly even on an occasion that he should not say such thing.
He is a compassionate guy and always look at other people on a bright side.
He likes people to listen to him.
Even he has such a blunt and bold personality,
he could easily reach his goal without making any enemy.
Once disagree with him on something,
he can be very up set like a rainy storm on a summer day.
It will only last a short time, then he will be back a cheery merry person again.

He is a bright and witty guy,
and he will not put any efforts on something that he thinks it will not work and waste his energy. He is a good planner and can well manage his job assigned.
(i always liked planning and can plan well in terms of game strategies and studies.. but im too lazy for studies.. sigh)
When he gives order, he expect them to be carry out exactly.
(yes, but sometimes i dont mean what i say.. hoping they'll know what i mean)
He is the leader type that the followers love.
He can give other people advice and solve problems for other people well,
except his own mess.
He can be easily hurt by other people especially
if you do not trust or respect his ability.
You could compliment him sometimes
and make this lion be your kitty with no difficulty.

He is not a good judge for he listen to many people and tend to belief all sides.
You can hardly see a Leo man with no woman by his side. (im engaged.)
If you see him alone, he could already have a love one in his heart,
or just broken up with one.
Because he is very proud, he can change many girl friends.
He will do many things for the woman he loves, but loosing his face is not one of them.
Leo man can not live without love , because for him Love is a ray of Light.

He likes people to rely on him, it's make him feels "in power".
(no, not power but worthy of, duh!)
He may complaint if he is asked for favor, but
deep inside he is happy that you asked him.
If you offer to help him , he will refuse you right away.
When he is broke , he can find money still.
He is not careful with his way of spending for he has fun
with spending money and happy to buy what he likes. (its more on entertainment and food tgt with hunny =])
He lets other people borrow money from him easily.
even if he has no money, he will run to his friend to borrow money for you.
He likes first class , first quality of everything.
He can work hard like a mad dog,
and sometimes can be lazy like a lazy sleepy cat.
When he works, he is very serious. When he parties, he can be a party animal.
If he ask you out, you will sure have a fun and jolly time.

He will take chance with his love life, so if you know how to handle him, you will win.
If he is your love one, it won't be a romance novel.
You have to be ready to calm him down
when he over reacts to small matters because
your cool stability will control and ease his mood.
If you can not handle or understand him, your relationship will be like a demolition zone,
a on and off relationship till all your friends tired to hear about your breaking up and making up. Beauty is always in the eyes of the lion.
You have to be dignify to walk with the lion king.
(not anymore after i've found you hunny)
Your looks is part of his image and ego and he is very proud about it too.
If you want his attention the first time you meet, you better be astounding attractive. (more than that)
If you have a first conversation with him, you have to show him how much you adore his thinking. (yes she did)
He likes to talk and not knowing that he likes to talk about himself.

10:02 PM;
I made my mark

I feel like a song without the words
A man without a soul
A bird without its wings
A heart without a home
I feel like a knight without a sword
The sky without the sun
cos you are the one


I feel like a ship beneath the waves
A child who's lost its way
A door without a key
A face without a name
I feel like a breath without the air
And every day's the same
since you've gone away


I gotta have a reason to wake up in the morning
You used to be the one that put a smile on my face
There are no words that could describe how I miss you
and I miss you, everyday

I'm never gonna leave your side
and I'm never gonna leave your side again
still holding on girl
I won't let you go
cos when I'm lying in your arms
I know I'm home


They tell me that a man can lose his mind
Living in the pain
Recalling times gone by
And crying in the rain
You know I've wasted half the time
And I'm on my knees again
till you come to me


I gotta have a reason to wake up in the morning
You used to be the one that put a smile on my face
There are no words that could describe how I miss you
and I miss you everyday


yeah
and I'm never gonna leave your side
and I'm never gonna leave your side again
still holding on girl
I won't let you go
I lay my head against your heart
I know I'm home
I know I'm home
I know I'm home

and I'm never gonna leave your side
and I'm never gonna leave your side again
still holding on girl
I won't let you go
cos when I'm lying in your arms
I know I'm home

11:00 AM;
I made my mark